open doors.

May 2007 I decided to follow Michael W. Smith and "go west" (yes, I just made a 90's Christian music reference). Sight unseen, my mom and I packed up my Jetta and drove 3 days across the country for an adventure that I never could have written myself.

One of my friends tells me that my move 3 time zones from everything I'd ever known was a huge step of faith. I'm not sure how much faith it took as much as God opened this door and closed all others. In one day, I had gotten an email in Ohio at college that I gotten the internship I had applied for while my mom, in upstate New York, talked with my high school basketball coach who "happened" to have a sister with a home she was willing to share with a random college student for 3 months. The door couldn't have been more open.

At the end of 3 months, the idea of staying so far from everything had become easier, but I was still dating a boy who was on the East Coast and didn't want to outstay my welcome with my generous hosts. In a week, my part-time radio job became full time, I found a place I could live on what I was making and the boy I was dating and I broke up. Again... couldn't have been more clear. This was the place.

Paul calls God "Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine" (Ephesians 3.20). The last five and half years have not been smooth sailing. I've made some downright terrible choices that I wish I could do over. But instead of a magical time machine, God has given me an incredible chance to learn from those mistakes and be used through them.


So here at the end of the year, I think of the monologue that Samwise Gamgee tells Frodo in the Lord of the Rings... that the great ones... the people we tell stories about... they had plenty of chances to turn back. But they didn't. They took risks and did things that didn't make sense. I don't want to live a life that ends just "fine"... instead, I want to take opportunities, even if they aren't what I had planned, that are once-in-a-lifetime-doesn't-feel-real kind of chances.

2013 will start with big... scary... and unbelievable changes.

I've been through doors like this before.
And I wouldn't change a thing.

broken.

This has been a tragic week. Reports of two senseless acts of violence that left multiple people dead, families without loved ones and countless people confused and searching for the answer to the question, "why?"

Portland faced a shooting at the Clackamas Town Center that took the lives of two people and the gunman and left a city in confusion. Today in Connecticut, possibly up to 20 kids lost their lives at an elementary school when a man opened fired there with what one report said must have been "hundreds of rounds."

The New York Times coverage described the kids outside as the situation was being handled as "visibly upset." They win for understatement of the year.

Christmas is when we celebrate Emmanuel - God with us. A child came to the world in a story we've all heard in church or at least in the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. People - then and now - were and are searching for a Savior to rescue us from a lost and broken world.

And He has come.
But it's not the way we imagine. It wasn't what Israel was hoping for in their Messiah either. He didn't come and conquer the terrorizing reign of the Romans. And He doesn't come today in a blaze of glory, keeping every bad thing from ever happening even though we wish He would.

He came as a child. Grew up a carpenter and died on a cross where we now decide whether to believe that He is who He said He is. We put our faith in Him - not as Superman who rushes in to save the day when things go wrong, but as a doctor who has ultimately saved us from the disease of sin.

So today, we mourn. We are confused. And we hurt for families that we may have never met.
But at the end of it, we still trust that God is still who He says He is - Creator and Savior of the world. He's big enough for our questions, our doubts, our arguments and, today, our confusion and hurt.

gift.

I grew up a luckier kid than you. Sorry. It's just true.

Here's why. I got 2 birthdays.
Well. Sort of.

Today is my airplane day. I was adopted from South Korea and today, 26 years ago, my parents drove to New York City and picked up their Christmas gift for the year.
(It was me... in case you hadn't picked up on that yet.)

Every year, I look back, grateful for my parents and for the life that I know is a complete and total blessing. I can't help but look at what I have, where I am and who I've become and realize that God has had a hand in all of it, from the very beginning.

Because I could have grown up in another country...
... with a different family
... with a different religion
... and never met you.

I think this adoption thing has always given me perspective on how God orchestrates even just one small Korean kid's life. He's been taking care of me from the beginning, before I even had a concept of God.

So today, I'm grateful for my parents - who took a huge risk with their hearts to bring this Korean kid into their family, my sister - who was so excited to get a little sister and has been worried about me ever since, my family - who never treated me like anything but a part of things, and my friends - who are a gift to get to do life with.

Today's a gift.
And if God cared about a 3 month old Asian kid... He cares about you. You matter.

held.

I hated thunderstorms growing up... and by hate, I mean, I was terrified by. I blame the fact that lightning struck the building of the school I was in - not once, but twice - and set off the fire alarm. Come on.. I was 8. You were scared of weird things when you were 8 too.

Thunderstorms often meant that my dad, who worked for the local electric and gas company, had to go out and help restore power. He went to this magical land known as the "substation" at all hours of the night in the middle of worst storms. Meanwhile, my mom would come sit with me in my bed because I couldn't fall asleep on my own on nights like that.

This weekend, one of my students was in a semi-grumpy mood for no reason. She was whiny and tired and just not her normal self. I put my arm around her during our church service and she leaned her head on my shoulder and cried.

She's got a lot of reasons to cry. 

She currently doesn't know where her mom is.
Her mom, who had to take the kids and run from the father of the kids because he was so violent.
So she hasn't seen her dad since she was 5 or 6.
I should also mention, her mom was a drug abuser for the entirety of the time that my student can remember.
Oh right.. also, she's 12.

When she was a younger, no one just hugged her and told her they loved her.
When she was in a bad mood and just wanted someone to hold her, no one did.
When she was scared, she toughed it out with no one to sit in bed with her until she fell asleep.

So I held her, fighting back tears because I'm 26 and feel like I can't really do anything to help her.
Because sometimes... life isn't fair. 

perspective.

This is Jessica Ridgeway. Unless you've been living under a rock for the last month, you already know her name and her story.

Today they arrested the man they suspect is her killer.

And by man, I mean 17-year old.


Since the news has broken, I've gotten 3 different perspectives. Each valuable. Each wildly different.

First - I got a call from a listener to the radio station, concerned that people were so focused on praying for Jessica Ridgeway's family that they would also forget to pray for the killer's family. Her heart was especially for his mother who has to be going through unbelievable disbelief when her son turned himself in. I can't imagine what either family has to be going through.

Second - One of the high school students from my church texted me. She had classes with him. Sat next to him. Knew his name, his face and that he was nice to her. Her school is in emotional disarray today. I can't imagine what those who knew him are feeling... teachers, friends, parents. All feeling responsible for a crime they didn't commit.

Third - A friend of mine posted that there are people who die - in the thousands, all over the world and even all over this country - every day. And they don't get even half the attention that this little girl has gotten. I can't imagine the ache those families feel... but I'm sure the parents of Jessica Ridgeway envy their privacy.

A grieving community.
Two families losing their children.
A school full of confused high schoolers.

Where's God?

He's there. He's been in the teams of people searching for a girl they don't even know. He's been in the police officers who've worked long hours to bring justice for a family. He's in the counselors who are talking to students who have no idea how something so terrible could have happened in their own backyard.

There is evil. But the good that we see is the evidence of God. And it can't be ignored.

Let's remember life. And not take for granted the limited time that we have with the people we love.
Let's pray. For justice. And for peace. 

Life is short.
And in even the middle of all of this... God is good.

with someone.

In case you don't know me at all, I love being a part of student ministries. It's given me the chance to get to know some awesome middle and high school kids. I think they've probably taught me more than I've taught them.

Sometimes there's pie everywhere and I have a bloody nose. I am so cool.

One of my favorite students over the weekend said, "I just want to be with someone." Not in reference to having a boyfriend. Instead wanting to have that one friend that you can always call...
always talk to...
always text who you know will always text you back....
that you know loves you...
that you trust with all of the stuff about yourself that you hate...

I just want to be with someone.

Isn't that what we're all looking for? Over years of doing ministry and just being a girl, I know that's what in my heart and in my friends' hearts. I had a friend who used to tell me that she "didn't need anyone but God."  

I disagree. 

While God is ultimately the only thing that is stable and steady, the only Being we can put our faith and trust in, I think we were created to be in relationship... to be in community.

We need support.
We need accountability.
We need to be with someone. 
Or at least, I know I do.

And I'm incredibly grateful to the people who let me call, text or come over and eat their food and just hear me.

stability.

It's not fair.
It's not fair that good kids get hurt.
It's not fair that middle school students hear that their parents don't want them... from their parents.
It's not fair that people make terrible choices, and it affects you. And wounds you.
It's not fair that the person that you love, that you fight for, that you consider your best friend can take the intimate knowledge they have of you, and use it against you.

Kids are broken.
People are broken.
We're all broken. 

And it sucks. 
And I believe in a good God and trust that He is in control, but it's harder some days than others.
It's hard to not want to just take the pain away from the people that I love.

Sometimes I hate when my own world is spinning away well while I watch as people I care about lose theirs. And I wish my world would crash instead of theirs. Which is dumb. Because I should be grateful that what's going on in my life is okay. And be steady for the people who need stability.

So in the good times in my own life... while others are in chaos... I still need to follow hard after Jesus. Because if someone is going to lean on me, I should lean on something bigger. So I can point them to the cure, not just treatment.