home.

It's one day shy of 2 months that I've been an aunt.
Two months since my mom called with the wonderful but also terrifying news that my sister had her baby almost unthinkably early.
Two months of daily visits to the hospital for my sister and brother in law.
Two months of emotional highs and lows.
Two months of doctors, nurses and diagnoses.

Two months that we've seen God work in pretty incredible ways.


Today, Q is home. He got to leave the hospital this last weekend in the arms of his parents.

I've never had one of those moments that all hope was lost and someone prayed and things got better. I'm not sure this is that moment either.

I have experienced people caring and praying and over days, months, weeks or years seen God move and stay faithful to those who love Him and follow Him.

It's not what we expected and it's not the way we thought Q would come into the world, but these last two months, we've been privileged to see God - not in one incredible act, but in daily provision and goodness.

Truly, we can't say thank you enough for your prayers.
And I can't wait until Q is 18 and we show him this blog of baby pictures that went out to the world.

Valentine

I don't hate Valentine's Day the way I used to as a kid.

Elementary school simply meant too much work decorating the paper bag that would become a mailbox for valentines that all said some version of "Hey Valentine! I spent 99cents on this card!"

Middle school and high school meant another year of hoping that this one boy would send me a flower... and watching him send it to someone else instead. *sigh*

College meant the biggest day at the post office ever and waiting with baited breath to get the email that said "You have flowers waiting for you!"

And today?
Today one of my students was clearly trying to hide something behind her back - which could have been anything from a pie to chewed up piece of gum. She said, "Can I ask you something?" I answered, "What's up?" She whipped out a box of chocolates and a coloring page she had colored and written a poem comparing our friendship to Patrick and Spongebob.

Not sure any Valentine I've ever received compares.


Seems like every year people complain about Valentine's Day and someone posts something about having a day to tell people that you love them not being all that bad.

I think I have to agree. In a world that I see parents who forget to pick their kids up from church, siblings who do nothing but criticize, and friends who get in fights and can be downright mean... a day where we remember to tell the people most important to us that they matter and we love them, seems pretty okay.

Q

I'd like to introduce you to Quinton Joseph (also "Q") ... he's my nephew. Arrived on December 27th at 8.45pm at a whopping 2pounds 10ounces, a full 12 weeks early.

Ups and downs. That's the best way to describe what's been going on with Q since he was born. Below are the updates as best as I know. We have been overwhelmed by your support and your prayers. Thanks doesn't seem like enough, but since I'm writing this, possibly from very far from where you are, thanks is what I have. Truly, thank you.
___
January 3rd-4th - the first rough night... infection, brain bleed, pale and not moving like he has been.

January 4th, Noon (mountain) - holding steady and some small improvements! Keep praying that the doctors find out what's wrong. Thanks!

January 4th, 7pm - still stable! he has some color back and is not getting any worse. The doctors are still searching for what's causing infection. More tomorrow... keep praying... and thank you so much for your support so far!

January 5th - Q is still stable. He has a brain bleed. It's moderate, but pray it doesn't get any worse. His heart rate is fluctuating too so pray that also stabilizes. The doctors are still searching for the cause of the infection. Your continued prayers are so appreciated!

January 6th - Mom, Dad and Gram got to hold Q today as he continues to improve. He had a blood transfusion today. He still has a brain bleed, but it hasn't worsened. Words can't say enough how much your prayers and support have meant to my family.

January 10th - Check it out!

 He's still just a tiny boy, but much improved. They did some blood work and tests today on the brain bleed. Hopefully tomorrow they'll have an idea of what's going on with both his blood and in his heart. Q's heart rate is still fluctuating a great deal. He's been on antibiotics and this weekend they'll take him off of them.

We keep praying for his heart to stabilize, his brain bleed to stop, the infection to be gone and for him to keep growing.

Truly, we can't express how much your support and prayers have meant. I'm amazed at the number of people who have been down this road, people who have stepped out of the woodwork to support my sister and brother-in-law, and the incredible way that God has responded.





January 13th -

First skin to skin contact with mom!

This week, prayers are most appreciated for Q's brain. After a scan, doctors found a clot that is causing fluid to back up. The clot needs to go down so the fluid can drain or there are lots of other medical complications that will follow.

Q's heart rate also remains a mystery. It's higher than it should be and they're not sure why.

On the good news front - Q is off of the anti-biotics. He's breathing well and mom and dad have been able to hold him.

And frankly, he's pretty cute. :)




 January 18th - Q's brain scan was today. Good news - no change. Bad news - no change. He still has the blood clot and some fluid. He'll have another scan in 2 weeks. For now, keep praying for his brain and heart. Truly, thank you. We're blown away and humbled by your continued prayers.

 January 20th - Q's head was showing too much growth yesterday. Today there will be another brain scan to see what's going on. It feels like another down, a little bit, but God is good and we trust He's still got this.

January 21st - Q's head is measuring more normally today. It's been nearly a month since this sweet boy came into our lives. That also means it's been nearly a month of high tension, roller coaster emotions, and sleepless nights for my sister and brother-in-law.

Today, would you offer up some prayers for them? For peace... strength... and that they can continue to trust the God that brought them this little boy... the same God who offered up His Son so we can have real life.

As always... thank you for your support, your comments, and your continued prayers. They mean so much to us!

January 25th - Hard to believe this sweet boy is almost a month old! He's been pretty stable with still some trouble breathing. They measure his head every day to make sure it's not growing abnormally, and so far so good. He's up to 3pounds and 8ounces!

Another brain scan on Monday to see how the blood clot is doing.

Q's Prayer (as interpreted by his dad):

Dear Lord, Thank you for this day. Thank you for my health. Thank you for my growth. I can't wait to see my parents tomorrow,but right now I'd really enjoy another tube of milk!

February 15th - Almost 2 months old! Q's not quite ready to go home yet, but getting ready! His brain scans have shown mild improvement. Right now we're praying for him to have enough energy to be able to eat and gain weight consistently. His red blood cell count is down which makes him tire quickly and even eating is a lot of work.

Thanks for your continued prayers and questions. It's meant a lot to my sister, brother in law and parents. Thanks for checking in on Q!

open doors.

May 2007 I decided to follow Michael W. Smith and "go west" (yes, I just made a 90's Christian music reference). Sight unseen, my mom and I packed up my Jetta and drove 3 days across the country for an adventure that I never could have written myself.

One of my friends tells me that my move 3 time zones from everything I'd ever known was a huge step of faith. I'm not sure how much faith it took as much as God opened this door and closed all others. In one day, I had gotten an email in Ohio at college that I gotten the internship I had applied for while my mom, in upstate New York, talked with my high school basketball coach who "happened" to have a sister with a home she was willing to share with a random college student for 3 months. The door couldn't have been more open.

At the end of 3 months, the idea of staying so far from everything had become easier, but I was still dating a boy who was on the East Coast and didn't want to outstay my welcome with my generous hosts. In a week, my part-time radio job became full time, I found a place I could live on what I was making and the boy I was dating and I broke up. Again... couldn't have been more clear. This was the place.

Paul calls God "Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine" (Ephesians 3.20). The last five and half years have not been smooth sailing. I've made some downright terrible choices that I wish I could do over. But instead of a magical time machine, God has given me an incredible chance to learn from those mistakes and be used through them.


So here at the end of the year, I think of the monologue that Samwise Gamgee tells Frodo in the Lord of the Rings... that the great ones... the people we tell stories about... they had plenty of chances to turn back. But they didn't. They took risks and did things that didn't make sense. I don't want to live a life that ends just "fine"... instead, I want to take opportunities, even if they aren't what I had planned, that are once-in-a-lifetime-doesn't-feel-real kind of chances.

2013 will start with big... scary... and unbelievable changes.

I've been through doors like this before.
And I wouldn't change a thing.

broken.

This has been a tragic week. Reports of two senseless acts of violence that left multiple people dead, families without loved ones and countless people confused and searching for the answer to the question, "why?"

Portland faced a shooting at the Clackamas Town Center that took the lives of two people and the gunman and left a city in confusion. Today in Connecticut, possibly up to 20 kids lost their lives at an elementary school when a man opened fired there with what one report said must have been "hundreds of rounds."

The New York Times coverage described the kids outside as the situation was being handled as "visibly upset." They win for understatement of the year.

Christmas is when we celebrate Emmanuel - God with us. A child came to the world in a story we've all heard in church or at least in the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. People - then and now - were and are searching for a Savior to rescue us from a lost and broken world.

And He has come.
But it's not the way we imagine. It wasn't what Israel was hoping for in their Messiah either. He didn't come and conquer the terrorizing reign of the Romans. And He doesn't come today in a blaze of glory, keeping every bad thing from ever happening even though we wish He would.

He came as a child. Grew up a carpenter and died on a cross where we now decide whether to believe that He is who He said He is. We put our faith in Him - not as Superman who rushes in to save the day when things go wrong, but as a doctor who has ultimately saved us from the disease of sin.

So today, we mourn. We are confused. And we hurt for families that we may have never met.
But at the end of it, we still trust that God is still who He says He is - Creator and Savior of the world. He's big enough for our questions, our doubts, our arguments and, today, our confusion and hurt.

gift.

I grew up a luckier kid than you. Sorry. It's just true.

Here's why. I got 2 birthdays.
Well. Sort of.

Today is my airplane day. I was adopted from South Korea and today, 26 years ago, my parents drove to New York City and picked up their Christmas gift for the year.
(It was me... in case you hadn't picked up on that yet.)

Every year, I look back, grateful for my parents and for the life that I know is a complete and total blessing. I can't help but look at what I have, where I am and who I've become and realize that God has had a hand in all of it, from the very beginning.

Because I could have grown up in another country...
... with a different family
... with a different religion
... and never met you.

I think this adoption thing has always given me perspective on how God orchestrates even just one small Korean kid's life. He's been taking care of me from the beginning, before I even had a concept of God.

So today, I'm grateful for my parents - who took a huge risk with their hearts to bring this Korean kid into their family, my sister - who was so excited to get a little sister and has been worried about me ever since, my family - who never treated me like anything but a part of things, and my friends - who are a gift to get to do life with.

Today's a gift.
And if God cared about a 3 month old Asian kid... He cares about you. You matter.

held.

I hated thunderstorms growing up... and by hate, I mean, I was terrified by. I blame the fact that lightning struck the building of the school I was in - not once, but twice - and set off the fire alarm. Come on.. I was 8. You were scared of weird things when you were 8 too.

Thunderstorms often meant that my dad, who worked for the local electric and gas company, had to go out and help restore power. He went to this magical land known as the "substation" at all hours of the night in the middle of worst storms. Meanwhile, my mom would come sit with me in my bed because I couldn't fall asleep on my own on nights like that.

This weekend, one of my students was in a semi-grumpy mood for no reason. She was whiny and tired and just not her normal self. I put my arm around her during our church service and she leaned her head on my shoulder and cried.

She's got a lot of reasons to cry. 

She currently doesn't know where her mom is.
Her mom, who had to take the kids and run from the father of the kids because he was so violent.
So she hasn't seen her dad since she was 5 or 6.
I should also mention, her mom was a drug abuser for the entirety of the time that my student can remember.
Oh right.. also, she's 12.

When she was a younger, no one just hugged her and told her they loved her.
When she was in a bad mood and just wanted someone to hold her, no one did.
When she was scared, she toughed it out with no one to sit in bed with her until she fell asleep.

So I held her, fighting back tears because I'm 26 and feel like I can't really do anything to help her.
Because sometimes... life isn't fair.