two

two years of sarcasm
laughing until I cry
general snarkiness
ice cream dates
change
challenge
and just general, every day, boring life

made better, because I get to do it with this man.

I am thankful today and every day from that day we awkwardly sat on the Lifetime Fitness bench - and for as long as he'll have me - that he's here.

trust is hard.

A friend recently pointed out as we took in an epic, scenic view, "We serve a God who created all this, and yet we still have trouble trusting Him."
And the answer to that is: yes. Yes I do. Even though I know I shouldn't.

just so you get to experience a little of the "epic, scenic" view I was talking about

There are some things that I totally have no problem trusting God with. Mostly because - at least currently - God has provided these specific things so clearly. One is my job. God has always shown Himself faithful getting me a job. Even when it's been uncertain feeling for a moment, He's opened clear doors and I know that, that is an absolutely incredible blessing. Secondly, relationships. I have taken matters into my own hands on multiple occasions and they've always ended in failure, but I think I finally started to understand this particular area because He has provided an incredible, understanding man that leads me towards God and makes me want to be a better woman.

However, lest you think I'm some kind of pillar of faith, there are a ton of areas where I seem to find myself unable to trust God. Timing for one - I want some things to happen right now. I mean... right. NOW. Finances for another - I check my bank account religiously. When there's not what I want to be in there, it sends me in a minor spiral. But most of all, I have trouble trusting God when it comes to people that I love. Whether that's when they're hurting from the loss of a loved one or facing some unknown medical anomaly - I want to trust a doctor or a counselor, but I have a hard time trusting God.

In my head, I know I should trust Him.
In my head, I know I can trust Him.
In my head, I know He's the only One that can actually be trusted.
But that rarely makes it to my heart. Even though I want it to.

When I have to sit next to kids who have been abandoned via choice or because of death and all I can do is wrap my arms around them and feel them cry, I have a hard time feeling like "I'll pray for you" is enough. Even though it is.

When I have to hear about surprise medical issues from afar with the people in the world that mean the most to me, not being able to physically be there and trust that God is big enough to take care of all of it is really hard. Even though He is.

When I see friends wrestling through relationships and friendships - things in the deepest part of their heart - I know the exact words to say - true words - but ones that I have a hard time believing myself sometimes. Even though it's true.

I know that God is there. I know He is faithful. I believe that He is Who He says He is and He is more than capable of taking care of unborn babies, kids who's families are wrecked with loss, and friends who's hearts are broken.
But sometimes, it's just hard.

kid theology.

Every summer I get the opportunity to spend a week with some incredible middle school students. It's pretty smelly, really exhausting, and this year full of students who were losing teeth.

While I'm there, in the middle of the stench of 4-day old middle school t-shirts, I feel like more often than not they teach me more than I teach them. This summer was no exception.

Matthew 14.25-30

Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. 

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.

After reading that passage, one of my co-leaders asked a crew of 6th grade students (11 year old girls) what they felt like they could learn from reading it. One girl raised her hand and what she said rivals any theology class I ever took.

"I think if anyone walks on water, they are probably worth following."

I don't feel like I have anything to add to that.

real Jesus.

I sat in a coffee shop, much like I am now... much like I am often... waiting for the high school senior I was going to meet. While I waited, I spent my time productively - playing 94seconds and eavesdropping on the table next to me.

After a few seconds, it was abundantly clear the guys at the table next to me were pastors. They talked about salvation, church membership, what their youth group was doing - typical. Then one of them said, "I'm not really a people person. I'm not anti-people. I just don't really like being around them." Needless to say, now I was interested for the sheer joy of tweeting about that insane quote. They proceeded from there to talk about how to quantify salvation in terms of dollars. They compared it to cancer research and talked about salvation as some sort of magic formula that made the human condition, homelessness, disease, life, the universe, and everything immediately better. Then I posted about them on Twitter. Sarcastically. Because I'm not a good person.

My eavesdropping and judgment was interrupted by the student I was meeting. *Caroline has one of the toughest stories I've ever heard. Abandoned by her mom, trying to get herself unhooked from drugs, and relying as much as she can on "my God" (her words). When I asked her about what she had done all week, she told me she had just been wandering around town, noticed a couple homeless guys and bought them McDonalds for a hot lunch on a cold day. She told me that she wanted to do something that mattered with her life. That her story - one sewn with tragedy and more trouble than anyone should ever face - should matter. That she thinks God is going to use it one day. She prays every day for her still-addicted brother.

As I listened to her talk about her complete and total need for God and reliance on what He is doing in her life to pull her out of the mess she'd been living in, I realized that I was watching a picture of Jesus.
What He does in a life.
The kind of love that He has for people.

She doesn't look like your typical church kid, but she's there every Sunday. She loves "old ladies" and "people no one else cares about, like the homeless." I think she looks like Jesus.
More so than the pastors at the next table worried about economic gain.
More so than my judgmental self eavesdropping on said pastors.

This wonderful, wise 18-year old, she's the one who was most like Jesus in our little corner of the world and I have a lot to learn from her.