That stupid "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never
hurt me" phrase is dumb. Whoever first said that is just. plain. wrong.
I have a ton of work to get done today. And I can't focus on any of it. My stomach is in knots and I can't shake this awful anxious feeling out of my brain.
I don't know if you've ever sent a complaint email or phone call or anything to a company. I haven't. And here's why. At my job, I get to deal with those. Not all of them, and I credit my supervisors for being significantly better wordsmiths that I have ever been and ever will be, but enough of them to unsettle my stomach.
Complaints about free things.
Complaints about something I'm trying to do for a specific in-need group in our community.
Complaints about me. Something I've said or done. Or not said. Or not done.
Those last ones are the ones that get to me. I've gotten one positive facebook message and I get a few compliments here and there as comments on my facebook page over the last 5 years or so. And I read them. All of the comments I ever get. Unfortunately, I can't help but read the complaint emails louder. Remember them longer. Take them more personally.
Today that's what's on my mind the most. An impossible, no-win situation that I don't know how to handle. I have used what I thought was grace and truth and ended up feeling like no matter what I say it will be used against me. I feel trapped and unable to put together a sentence that communicates my heart, which is that I want the best for this person. (And yes. I have tried just saying that.)
I was hoping writing this out would help. It hasn't.
Instead, I'm going to take away from this that I need to be more careful about what I say. I'm terrible at that and always have been. I don't want to cause this awful, anxious feeling to anyone else ever. I probably will because I'm an idiot sometimes. But I want it to be less times than before.
4.30.2012
4.26.2012
a moment.
I had dinner tonight with my favorite couple. I admire the way they complement each other. He knows her face so well that he can recognize what she's saying without words. She supports him and believes in him with whatever he tries and they are both better for it.
And now they're parents.
He describes the moment in their blog like this:
The rest of your life... never the same again.
For me, that was the move away from the life I knew in upstate New York. I left home in May 2007 and haven't looked back. I rented my first apartment and made a commitment to living in a state that I had never even visited before moving there.
Along the way I've made some big mistakes. The ones I made commitments not to make when I was in 8th grade. They caught up to me in big ways. The ways that leave you feeling like it might storm forever.
I've also found a big God. The One who takes what looks like shreds of a wrecked life and makes it into something He can use. I've found good friends. The kind that makes you laugh harder than anyone else ever has. That you walk in the rain with like you're in a bad indie movie.
It's crazy to think about the way life would be different if I had stayed in New York or moved back to Ohio or made one of a thousand other decisions. But here I am. And even when I've questioned what in the world is going on in my life, I haven't doubted for a second. This is where I should be.
at least. for now.
And now they're parents.
He describes the moment in their blog like this:
[That] I was now officially a father, and [that] from this point forward my entire life had changed!One moment.
The rest of your life... never the same again.
For me, that was the move away from the life I knew in upstate New York. I left home in May 2007 and haven't looked back. I rented my first apartment and made a commitment to living in a state that I had never even visited before moving there.
Along the way I've made some big mistakes. The ones I made commitments not to make when I was in 8th grade. They caught up to me in big ways. The ways that leave you feeling like it might storm forever.
I've also found a big God. The One who takes what looks like shreds of a wrecked life and makes it into something He can use. I've found good friends. The kind that makes you laugh harder than anyone else ever has. That you walk in the rain with like you're in a bad indie movie.
It's crazy to think about the way life would be different if I had stayed in New York or moved back to Ohio or made one of a thousand other decisions. But here I am. And even when I've questioned what in the world is going on in my life, I haven't doubted for a second. This is where I should be.
at least. for now.
4.22.2012
nothing.
In high school I had the privilege of going to our "leadership conferences" that essentially created our "leadership team" that was our school's version of student council. They still send me emails. That I might immediately delete.
One of the things I remember about those few days (besides thinking that everyone in college was "so cool!!") was the story of the starving baker. The baker spent all day baking bread, but never had time to eat some himself. We can't live like that.
My boss at the camp I grew up going to and working at used to ask us whenever he passed, "Have you spent time with the King today?" A seemingly easy question since we had evening sessions with worship and a sermon and scheduled devotional time with our campers. But he was getting at something deeper. Were we in service to the King, but neglecting to actually spend time with Him?
It's been a tough couple of weeks.
Busy at work.
Drama with kids.
Tough things happening in my friends' lives.
Seems like it doesn't ever stop. I've found myself wondering if there's ever going to be a time that things aren't falling apart for the people around me.
And I'm no good... none of us are any good... unless we're ultimately pointing each other to Jesus. None of us can save anyone. I can't save anyone. Tonight... I'm out. I feel like I've got nothing left.
But, I serve a God who can. And I need to remember to point to Him.
One of the things I remember about those few days (besides thinking that everyone in college was "so cool!!") was the story of the starving baker. The baker spent all day baking bread, but never had time to eat some himself. We can't live like that.
My boss at the camp I grew up going to and working at used to ask us whenever he passed, "Have you spent time with the King today?" A seemingly easy question since we had evening sessions with worship and a sermon and scheduled devotional time with our campers. But he was getting at something deeper. Were we in service to the King, but neglecting to actually spend time with Him?
It's been a tough couple of weeks.
Busy at work.
Drama with kids.
Tough things happening in my friends' lives.
Seems like it doesn't ever stop. I've found myself wondering if there's ever going to be a time that things aren't falling apart for the people around me.
And I'm no good... none of us are any good... unless we're ultimately pointing each other to Jesus. None of us can save anyone. I can't save anyone. Tonight... I'm out. I feel like I've got nothing left.
But, I serve a God who can. And I need to remember to point to Him.
4.12.2012
moving.
There's some phrase about life being 10% what happens to you and 90% what your response is.
In the middle school group that I work in I have 3 students who are on the verge of moving. Their responses, even though they're all the same age, are as far apart as you could possibly get.
Gladys* (shock, that's not her real name) is terrified. She's been moving her entire life. And she can't imagine the thought of moving again. She feels like she finally made a friend. One who loves her for who she is. Who really just likes her. And the idea of leaving that behind is absolutely paralyzing.
Pauline* is angry. She's never moved. She's the "big dog" in her school. The popular kid who has never had to try at anything. She's built a reputation for being a "bad kid" who doesn't care what anyone else thinks about. She's got a natural charisma that makes her a natural leader. But when you get her alone... she doesn't want to leave. Even at 11 she realizes this means she'll walk into a world with already established relationships and pecking orders. She's not the queen anymore.
Jenevieve* is ready. She's moving to Kenya. A different country. A different culture. A different life. She's got good friends here that she'll miss. She'll miss doing gymnastics at a high-end gym. But she can't wait. She's 12. She's got what the other two girls are missing... hope. Hope that even in another world... she'll have friends and family and God. And she's along for the ride.
I'm not planning on moving anytime soon, but as change comes in my life, I only hope that I can handle it with half as much grace as this 12-year old student. She walks ahead with semi-reckless abandon, remembering what is behind, but considering what is ahead.With great anticipation.
Because, sometimes... you have to move.
In the middle school group that I work in I have 3 students who are on the verge of moving. Their responses, even though they're all the same age, are as far apart as you could possibly get.
Gladys* (shock, that's not her real name) is terrified. She's been moving her entire life. And she can't imagine the thought of moving again. She feels like she finally made a friend. One who loves her for who she is. Who really just likes her. And the idea of leaving that behind is absolutely paralyzing.
Pauline* is angry. She's never moved. She's the "big dog" in her school. The popular kid who has never had to try at anything. She's built a reputation for being a "bad kid" who doesn't care what anyone else thinks about. She's got a natural charisma that makes her a natural leader. But when you get her alone... she doesn't want to leave. Even at 11 she realizes this means she'll walk into a world with already established relationships and pecking orders. She's not the queen anymore.
Jenevieve* is ready. She's moving to Kenya. A different country. A different culture. A different life. She's got good friends here that she'll miss. She'll miss doing gymnastics at a high-end gym. But she can't wait. She's 12. She's got what the other two girls are missing... hope. Hope that even in another world... she'll have friends and family and God. And she's along for the ride.
I'm not planning on moving anytime soon, but as change comes in my life, I only hope that I can handle it with half as much grace as this 12-year old student. She walks ahead with semi-reckless abandon, remembering what is behind, but considering what is ahead.With great anticipation.
Because, sometimes... you have to move.
4.10.2012
mom.
This is my mom and me over the highest suspension bridge in the world, the Royal Gorge. She's going to read this and call me and tell me that she hates this picture. Sorry, Mom. You're talking in all of the other pictures I have.
My mom is fantastic. When I was in elementary school, I remember her coming on field trips and being so proud that MY mom was the one driving my friends and me around to the post office, the science center and the local grocery store.
As I got older, my mom and I spent about a billion hours in the car driving to figure skating lessons and competitions. Then basketball. Then volleyball. Practices. Games. Millions of them. Even though she had worked a whole day at her stressful job, she still got us dinner (sometimes it was ice cream) and made sure we were all taken care of. And she pretended to know what was going on in all of the sports I played.
She helped me find my first job, drove me to look at colleges, somehow found a place for me to live in Colorado and is always there to answer the phone, even when it's an ungodly hour on the East Coast.
When we went to the grocery store in my town, my mom always knew someone. One of her students was there or someone from church or someone she went to school with. I don't think she's ever forgotten a face of someone she's met. She's got the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met and I was fortunate enough that she passed even a little bit of her compassionate spirit on to me. She never half-cares about someone. When she loves, she loves you, your kids, your parents, your aunts, your distant relatives and even your pets.
The good (and also some of the crazy) in me is my mom's influence. She showed me what it meant to be a mom, a daughter, a sister and a friend. She's one of those people that you just ... tell things to. Because she'll listen. And she'll love you through it. No matter what.
So happy (super belated) birthday, Mom. I love you and I'm beyond grateful for who you have helped me become.
My mom is fantastic. When I was in elementary school, I remember her coming on field trips and being so proud that MY mom was the one driving my friends and me around to the post office, the science center and the local grocery store.
As I got older, my mom and I spent about a billion hours in the car driving to figure skating lessons and competitions. Then basketball. Then volleyball. Practices. Games. Millions of them. Even though she had worked a whole day at her stressful job, she still got us dinner (sometimes it was ice cream) and made sure we were all taken care of. And she pretended to know what was going on in all of the sports I played.
She helped me find my first job, drove me to look at colleges, somehow found a place for me to live in Colorado and is always there to answer the phone, even when it's an ungodly hour on the East Coast.
When we went to the grocery store in my town, my mom always knew someone. One of her students was there or someone from church or someone she went to school with. I don't think she's ever forgotten a face of someone she's met. She's got the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met and I was fortunate enough that she passed even a little bit of her compassionate spirit on to me. She never half-cares about someone. When she loves, she loves you, your kids, your parents, your aunts, your distant relatives and even your pets.
The good (and also some of the crazy) in me is my mom's influence. She showed me what it meant to be a mom, a daughter, a sister and a friend. She's one of those people that you just ... tell things to. Because she'll listen. And she'll love you through it. No matter what.
So happy (super belated) birthday, Mom. I love you and I'm beyond grateful for who you have helped me become.
4.02.2012
team gale
Yes. That's a Hunger Games reference. I know. I'm a #sellout. (Yep. Hashtagged a blog post.)
If you know nothing about these books then let me explain the part you need to know to understand why I am "Team Gale." Katniss, the lead character, has a best friend and hunting partner, Gale. They're always together and pretty uncertain of how they feel about each other. Then she goes to compete in the Hunger Games (hence the name of the book) where 24 teenagers fight to kill each other. Uplifting, huh? The other person from her district competing is Peeta, a boy who admits his long, unrequited love for her before they head into the arena into certain death. (Apparently everyone in the post-apocalyptic world will have crazy names.)
Peeta puts up with Katniss's bad attitude, unpredictable personality and uncertainty about... well.. just about everything.
Gale is missing in most of the first book, but makes a comeback as the man who protected their district and Katniss's family as he promised he would.
Two of my closest female friends love Peeta. The boy who loves so relentlessly, is honest about his feelings for the heroine and takes a backseat to push her to be her best. He pursues her through her less-than-attractive times.
But as I mentioned before... that's not me.
I want to love someone who is fighting alongside me. Not just fighting for me.
Love, to me, is spoken in ...
Being the person I know I can call because things are falling apart or just because I need to talk with someone.
Inside jokes that make sense only to us and for no good reason.
Going on an adventure together and loving it.
Sitting around, cleaning the house or making dinner and still loving it.
Not having to turn on the radio while we're driving because we're busy talking about something... or nothing.
Silence because it's just comfortable being together.
Challenging me to do better at being a Christ-follower, leader and person without making me feel like I've been inadequate up until that point.
Knowing when it's okay to point out the things I'm terrible at and when to not ever bring up that failure again.
As you can see, I'm clearly a hopeless romantic.
Walks on the beach and such as.
If you know nothing about these books then let me explain the part you need to know to understand why I am "Team Gale." Katniss, the lead character, has a best friend and hunting partner, Gale. They're always together and pretty uncertain of how they feel about each other. Then she goes to compete in the Hunger Games (hence the name of the book) where 24 teenagers fight to kill each other. Uplifting, huh? The other person from her district competing is Peeta, a boy who admits his long, unrequited love for her before they head into the arena into certain death. (Apparently everyone in the post-apocalyptic world will have crazy names.)
Peeta puts up with Katniss's bad attitude, unpredictable personality and uncertainty about... well.. just about everything.
Gale is missing in most of the first book, but makes a comeback as the man who protected their district and Katniss's family as he promised he would.
Two of my closest female friends love Peeta. The boy who loves so relentlessly, is honest about his feelings for the heroine and takes a backseat to push her to be her best. He pursues her through her less-than-attractive times.
But as I mentioned before... that's not me.
I want to love someone who is fighting alongside me. Not just fighting for me.
Love, to me, is spoken in ...
Being the person I know I can call because things are falling apart or just because I need to talk with someone.
Inside jokes that make sense only to us and for no good reason.
Going on an adventure together and loving it.
Sitting around, cleaning the house or making dinner and still loving it.
Not having to turn on the radio while we're driving because we're busy talking about something... or nothing.
Silence because it's just comfortable being together.
Challenging me to do better at being a Christ-follower, leader and person without making me feel like I've been inadequate up until that point.
Knowing when it's okay to point out the things I'm terrible at and when to not ever bring up that failure again.
As you can see, I'm clearly a hopeless romantic.
Walks on the beach and such as.
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