My cat made me cry tonight. An unexpected note made me cry tonight. A random conversation made me cry tonight. Geez... probably writing this post is going to make me cry.
Why do I keep writing?
I thought I knew what I was getting into... what to expect. I thought I was prepared. I even semi-realized I wasn't prepared, but MAN. Was I ever not ready to be back in a familiar place in such an unfamiliar state.
I'm tired of being on a roller coaster. Of pushing myself. Of not sleeping in a bed. Of not being able to sleep through an entire night. In fact, I might even be exhausted.
I'm tired of lives falling apart. Consequences... big ones... are all around me. From parents who forget their kids to kids who at 14 already know how to hide behind a smile to one more sad moment in a family who has already faced more sad times in a few months than most people face in a lifetime -- all of it. sucks.
And I'm exhausted.
that could also be because it's almost midnight.
geez.
... at least I didn't cry.
6.30.2011
6.09.2011
living out of a bag
Nomad. An odd joining of words. Cupcake is sort of shaped like a cup and is also a cake. Lap tops are designed to sit on top of your lap. But a nomad is someone who wanders - with no home. There's definitely no way a wanderer is no[t] mad.
I hate living out of a bag. I've done it before having worked at camp for every summer from age 16 til 20. It's awful. You never quite know where anything is and whatever you need is inevitably at the bottom of the bag.
Today I'm actually living out of a bag. I feel somewhat like all the clothes haphazardly strewn throughout my car/suitcase/duffel. It's like my life has been turned upside down. I never thought at 24 that I would be living so far from home, watching HGTV, blogging, and about to have an ex-husband.
How do we get here? How do we take so many small steps in one direction before we realize that we're so far away from the mark that we can't even see it anymore? I don't know, but I'm there.
Tossed around a bit. Exhausted. But alive. With a community more supportive than I could have imagined and a God bigger and beyond even what I thought I knew.
More and more I realize, the only thing that's good in me is Jesus.
I hate living out of a bag. I've done it before having worked at camp for every summer from age 16 til 20. It's awful. You never quite know where anything is and whatever you need is inevitably at the bottom of the bag.
Today I'm actually living out of a bag. I feel somewhat like all the clothes haphazardly strewn throughout my car/suitcase/duffel. It's like my life has been turned upside down. I never thought at 24 that I would be living so far from home, watching HGTV, blogging, and about to have an ex-husband.
How do we get here? How do we take so many small steps in one direction before we realize that we're so far away from the mark that we can't even see it anymore? I don't know, but I'm there.
Tossed around a bit. Exhausted. But alive. With a community more supportive than I could have imagined and a God bigger and beyond even what I thought I knew.
More and more I realize, the only thing that's good in me is Jesus.
6.05.2011
"I'm Sorry" Flowers
There's some pithy phrase about diamonds are a girl's best friend that everyone knows. There should be something about flowers too. Maybe it's just me, but I'm not sure I've ever received a bouquet of flowers I loved from a significant other.
Stalker Flowers - I was 15 and a guy from the youth group I went to decided that I was to be the object of his affection. He stopped by my house on his bike (impressive because I lived like 5 miles from him up a hill on the busiest road in town) and sent me flowers. I might have let them die... or hurried the process. After all, I was 15. And not. interested.
Valentine's Day Flowers - In college, the post office would send you a fantastic email if you got mail or some kind of package. As you can imagine, at a Christian college where everyone is trying to find Mr. or Mrs. Right, Valentine's Day was one of the busiest days. I got an email that said "You've got flowers!" I was initially pretty excited... I couldn't even believe my boyfriend who didn't celebrate anything remembered Valentine's Day. I got to the post office to pick up my flowerS (emphasis on the "s" on purpose) and I get... a single rose. No card. Nothing personal. It was a flower he bought from some organization for a buck. Dear Valentine's Day, thanks for setting us up for disappointment.
No Flowers - For over 2 years of my most recent relationship, I didn't receive any flowers. None. Not even a wildflower. Or a dandelion. This might seem like it goes against everything I just wrote, but I got flowers on my first Valentine's Day and then never again. Don't start with flowers when you're trying to "woo" a girl and then never touch them again.
I'm Sorry Flowers - That same relationship I received about 4 EXPENSIVE bouquets of flowers to say "I'm Sorry." In rapid succession. Like. 2 weeks. Holy. Crap. Having never received any other flowers, these flowers only served to make me upset.
Do you see why I might hate flowers? Take note, gentleman, looking to hook a lady up with flowers. The only flowers I did NOT mention that I have NEVER received.... Random-Tuesday-Flowers. Yeah. Flowers for no reason at all except I was just thinking about you... even if you pick wild flowers... unbelievable. Any woman would melt at your extremely-thoughtful feet. Just trust me. ~*
Stalker Flowers - I was 15 and a guy from the youth group I went to decided that I was to be the object of his affection. He stopped by my house on his bike (impressive because I lived like 5 miles from him up a hill on the busiest road in town) and sent me flowers. I might have let them die... or hurried the process. After all, I was 15. And not. interested.
Valentine's Day Flowers - In college, the post office would send you a fantastic email if you got mail or some kind of package. As you can imagine, at a Christian college where everyone is trying to find Mr. or Mrs. Right, Valentine's Day was one of the busiest days. I got an email that said "You've got flowers!" I was initially pretty excited... I couldn't even believe my boyfriend who didn't celebrate anything remembered Valentine's Day. I got to the post office to pick up my flowerS (emphasis on the "s" on purpose) and I get... a single rose. No card. Nothing personal. It was a flower he bought from some organization for a buck. Dear Valentine's Day, thanks for setting us up for disappointment.
No Flowers - For over 2 years of my most recent relationship, I didn't receive any flowers. None. Not even a wildflower. Or a dandelion. This might seem like it goes against everything I just wrote, but I got flowers on my first Valentine's Day and then never again. Don't start with flowers when you're trying to "woo" a girl and then never touch them again.
I'm Sorry Flowers - That same relationship I received about 4 EXPENSIVE bouquets of flowers to say "I'm Sorry." In rapid succession. Like. 2 weeks. Holy. Crap. Having never received any other flowers, these flowers only served to make me upset.
Do you see why I might hate flowers? Take note, gentleman, looking to hook a lady up with flowers. The only flowers I did NOT mention that I have NEVER received.... Random-Tuesday-Flowers. Yeah. Flowers for no reason at all except I was just thinking about you... even if you pick wild flowers... unbelievable. Any woman would melt at your extremely-thoughtful feet. Just trust me. ~*
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