.boys.

Hanging out with middle school girls has taught me a lot. It also frightens me. For a lot of the girls, the world revolves around boys.
They live, eat, move, breathe... everything for a boy.
They change who they are.
They leave their circle of friends and join his.
They give up who they are.

Then when said boy leaves said girl because she's not the cool, unique girl he liked in the first place (because she's basically become a copy of him), girl is heartbroken. She cries to all of her friends who assure her it's his loss. She eats countless amounts of chocolate. And maybe ice cream. And watches sappy movies.

Then ... hope! Said boy might like girl again!! Forget all of the hurtful stuff that he did or said... he wants me back! That's what we think to ourselves. So we continue being a shadow of who we really are. Who we were made to be. And we settle into trying once again to please and become this one boy.

ENOUGH.

Why do we do this to ourselves? It's hard to wait and be patient. I have done everything in this post so many times. And I look back now and realize all the mistakes I made and don't want anyone else to go through it.

It's so much easier to go for the lowest hanging fruit.
To not really be vulnerable.
To not ever really be known.
To not fight, but just agree with everything.

But it's never as good as it was meant to be when we don't hold out for the best.

like a child.

With all the crazy pain in the world that the kids I work closest with face, I forget sometimes that there are still "little girls" out there. They grew up with 2 parents. They like pink. And frills. They freak out when there are loud noises. And then freak out again when they realize the loud noises were really confetti cannons shooting awesome streamers of shininess.

But they do exist.

Little girls, running up to me just because they've heard my voice before. Or because their mom told them to. Giving me unforeseen hugs. Wanting a picture of me with my silly hipster scarf.

I don't think it's ever made me feel so small. Part of me wants to tell their parents, "No! Don't let your little girl grow up to be like me! Be honest with her! Tell her about REAL life, not just the easy stuff." The other part wants to hide scared. Worried that if parents found out who I really am, who I've really been, that they'll take their little girls, write a nasty complaint email, and get me fired from my job.

It was a ridiculous picture of God using the weak. the unimportant. the silly. The entire day was such a crapshoot, honestly. Leading me up to a moment when the speaker is calling girls forward to make the most important decision of their life and wanting me to help guide them through it. I've never felt more incapable. More unfocused. More unworthy. I've never cried out to God in such a panic (including the 2 car accidents I've been in).

Oh God. I need help. I don't know what I'm doing!

But, really. I should have been learning from these girls. Realizing that they came forward. Not worried what their friends thought. Just because they knew they wanted Jesus. It was that simple. They shared that moment with their moms. They shared the things they're scared of - the things that they've been called that they don't like and don't want to believe anymore.

Simple. No wonder we're supposed to have faith like a child.