tragic.

Sometimes I hate my job.
Today was one of those days.

My morning wake up was a phone call about a tragic shooting at a movie theatre where a man opened fire on people watching the midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises.

I had to write pieces to go on our station. Words that will hopefully comfort those who listen. What comforts in a time like this?
Definitely not words.
Definitely not my words.

I had to put up something on our Web site. Write something that says what's going on and what we're going to do about it. But... I don't know.
What can I do?
What can I even say?

Tragedy. That's the first thing that came to mind. Loss of life. Loss of that feeling of safety that we carry around with us without realizing it. Except that doesn't even seem to convey the depth of what's happening for so many families. Confusion. Grief. Despair. Anger. Questions.

The words of my pastor echoed through the morning...
Instead of asking God, "Why?" - because really, no matter what the answer, it isn't going to make it better - we need to ask, "Who are you God? Can I trust you?"

And in the middle of chaos. Even this. The answer is yes.
But it's still hard.

anniversary

Today is my sister and brother-in-law's anniversary.
Well. I think it is. I always forget if it's the 16th or 17th. So. It's either today. Or close to today.

Growing up, my sister and I had our differences. She was dresses and shoes to my sports and t-shirts. We went through the stage where I know I just bothered her (sorry, Sista!). Then I became her study partner for her ridiculous dental hygiene classes. Then she got married and moved to Ohio with this guy who once bought us an ice cream scoop because all our spoons were bent.

They've been married for 12 years. (Or possibly 11. Again. It's something close.) And they are one of the couples that I look at and think... wow. This marriage thing? It can really work.

My sister and her husband came out to visit about a month ago and I had an epiphany:
I really LOVE my sister. 

She's hilarious. And sometimes crazy. And her husband has played a big part of that.
The things that I love about him, have spread to her.
And the things that she's really good at, have transferred to him.
They get in tiffs, but then they give each other "hugs and kisses!" and figure it out.

Their story will never be mine, but it's tailor-made for them by a God who writes incredible and creative love stories.
And He can be trusted.

supporting cast

Today is my friend Nicole's birthday. This pretty much gives you a good picture of who we are:

She's the upbeat, charming, happy one. I'm.... the other one.

I've long told her that it's an honor to play her supporting actress in the story of our lives. If we were to title it, I think it might be named Working with Middle Schoolers: A tale of a Ginger and an Asian who never really grew up. It would not be politically correct. (sorry.)

Nicole remembers meeting me and not wanting to be around me.
I remember meeting her and being really tired. (what? just being honest.)

Nicole remembers when we got to know each other and she realized that I was human - messed up and broken.
I remember when we got to know each other and I thought... this girl is who I want to be. She's me... only better. Nicer. Prettier.
She genuinely cares about people.
She accepts advice and criticism well.
She hands out compliments like they're candy on Halloween.
She's good at her job (but would never admit it).
She's a people magnet.
She loves Jesus. And strives to become more like Him in every area of her life.

Nicole thinks I influence her.
I know better.

We often picture our lives as stories to be told that always revolve around us. I'd much rather be in Nicole's story. She's the kind of character in a movie that you want to root for. She's always late... lost a lot... and sometimes runs into things, but you just want her to succeed.
Because she's the person you hope that you can be someday.

Happy birthday, my friend. Hope this year is your best yet.

a song

Blessed be Your name in a land that is plentiful, where Your streams of abundance flow.
Blessed be Your name.
Blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place. Though I walk through the wilderness,
Blessed be Your name.

When I first moved to a new state, a new timezone and a new life-stage just over 5 years ago, I spent a bunch of months searching for a place to go to church.

If you've never had to "church shop" by yourself before, consider yourself fortunate.
It's awful.

I have some ridiculous stories about people's insane ignorance about racism to some out and out awful stories of the least welcome I've ever felt in a building.

In one of those churches we sang the song "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman. I don't remember the name of the church because I had tried so many, but I remember it was in the auditorium of an elementary school in uncomfortable foldy-theatre style chairs. I couldn't hold back the tears. I felt like I was in an endless desert, alone, and how could I sing these words "Blessed be Your name" because the name I was blessing had forgotten me.

Today we sang that song again. A different church. And completely different circumstances.

We talked today about how difficult it can sometimes be to follow God when things are good. I know I have a hard time with that. I forget that the reason things are good, is because God is good. But I don't want to forget that I am still not who I need to be.

I'm independent to a fault.
I say things I don't mean.
I talk too much and don't listen enough.

Today I get to be in the land that's plentiful.
Unfortunately, today I also am watching two families in my community walking through the most painful desert of their life.

And there's nothing I can do to help. Nothing will make it better.

But the same God who makes seasons of our life good, walks with us through the chaos.
So pray with me today for the people in my life who are in the valley.
And remember the God of the valley, is the God on the plateau and we need Him just as much there.