the cool kids

In high school, it was the very end of the lunchroom tables.
In college, it was the tables to the right, closest to the hot food bar.
Yep. I'm talking about where "the cool kids" sat.
Be shocked. I never sat at either of those.

When I looked at "the cool kids," I saw girls who knew what to wear, how to wear it and perfectly applied makeup. I saw confidence. I saw girls that I didn't think knew my  name and wouldn't give me the time of day. I didn't even look at the boys. Pssh. They were busy looking at the "pretty girls."

In college, somehow I accidentally ended up dating one of "the cool guys." He wasn't anything like I expected. Down to earth. Goofy like I was. Loved Jesus and people and wanted to use his "power" as a "cool kid" to influence others. He didn't look down on my friends or me. He just had never met us before.

That changed my opinion of the pretty girls. And made me realize, they were just people (who happened to be more together than I was). Now, two of my best friends are girls I would have considered too-cool-to-be-friends-with-me in high school and college. Talking with them has made me realize, they are battling the same thing I am. That we all are.

Not feeling good enough.

They can't wrap their head around how wonderful, talented and beautiful they really are.
They don't see how fun they are to be with.
They are just as scared as the rest of us to put themselves out there and let someone see their heart. Even though what's there, is stunning.

I think the thing that women - and possibly all people - need to hear, is that you're valuable. God created you. He loves you. Enough to send His Son as a sacrifice. For you. That alone makes you loved.

You're not as ugly as you think you are.
Or as awkward as you see yourself.
And the insecurity you feel? It's okay. We all feel it. We're all nervous to be vulnerable. We're all scared to let our heart get broken. Again.
So let's search together for the balance. Let people care about you. Let them see who you really are. Realize that the God who created everything, loves you above all else.

And that's never going to change.

5 years.

It's been 5 years since I moved. Moved away from everything I knew. Everyone I knew. Anything familiar. (how's that for a dramatic intro?)

If you had asked me then where I would be in 5 years, I probably would have said, married, living on the East coast - likely Baltimore, maybe a dog, trying to be program director at some radio station. And learning Korean. Because that's the American dream, right?

But where I am? Thousands of miles from either coast. With a cat. Never wanting to be program director of a radio station. EVER. Divorced.

And I think... exactly where God wants me.

This isn't the path I would have picked to get here. In fact, if there were the opportunity to go back 5 years and do it again, I would. I would make better decisions. I would follow God better. And not choose a path that "felt right" at the time.

But we don't get to do that.

It's hard not to look back and realize that if I had only followed God for the last 5 years - how different and how much better would my life look right now? I'm jealous of the people who "did it right" and don't know how much better their world is because they were smarter than I am.

So instead, I look ahead. At the next 5 years. Where I do have the chance to make better decisions. To learn from the dumb things I did in my past. To influence the people around me. For a few weeks, a few years, or whatever amount of time I get.

And maybe I'll learn Korean after all.

Here's to the next 5 years.

needed.

If you've ever trained for a marathon, you may know that somewhere along your training road, you are likely to hit a wall. Where you think running is stupid. This marathon thing? Stupid. All of this? Stupid.

And yes. I hit that wall this weekend.

I was supposed to run 15 miles this weekend and somewhere around mile 13, I was out. I walked. I hate walking in the middle of a run, but I couldn't go any further. I walked about 3/4 of a mile and took up my run again. 2 miles left. I was honestly praying that God would just help me get through the rest.

With 1.5 miles to go, I ran past a man waiting at a bus stop. He was smiling at me. Surely, this was God's way of encouraging me. He sent me a cheerleader in the form of a random stranger.

"This is the worst time of day to be running," he said. Some cheerleader.
I smiled back at him, sarcastically, and said, "Yep. 15 miles though. Almost done." So I ran. Harder. To prove to Mr. I-Know-Everything-About-Running wrong.

After I finished, I thought about the guy that had unknowingly motivated me to finish well. And I realized... sometimes, God sends us what we need, even if it's not what we want.

I wanted happy feelings. Someone to give me platitudes and wish me well. To smile and tell me that, even after 13 miles, I was still glowing. (HA. that would have been lies).

But, really, I needed truth. It motivated me. It wasn't what I wanted, but the truth that I don't want to hear, is usually the one I need to hear the most.

I'm grateful to have people as constants in my life (not just random strangers) that are willing to do that for me.
Who remind me that I'm good, but not that good.
Who tell me that I'm not in charge of saving the world.
Who speak the truth that in the middle of the toughest stuff, we serve a big God.
And who want to shave my cat. But whatever. Nobody's perfect.