love

I should note that I've been working on this post since February.
That is all.

The snow was falling, casting moving shadows from the street lights. "I love you," he said. "I love you too," I replied.

^ Seems like a fairy tale a little bit. All those scenes in movies where that happens look really nice, and I will say I hope that moment always stands out to me, but what you don't get to see in the movies is that I quickly got in my car, cold and wet from falling snow, turned on the heat, and drove slowly home in the low visibility and had to unwrap my hands one at a time from gripping the steering wheel so tightly.

I'm not exactly the "romantic type."

I also made a minor scene at the airport as I said goodbye and watched Tucker walk through the doors and off to Africa for three weeks. And by "scene," I also don't mean the movie-style, tears gently falling down the actress's face, beautifully and then she wipes them away and is still flawless. More like, the ugly-trying-so-hard-not-to-cry-make-it-back-to-the-car-heaving-sobs kind of cry. The one that puffs your eyes out for days and it looks like maybe you had eye surgery. Yeah. That's much more my style.

I realize more and more often that love is less movies and more day-to-day, mundane, sometimes-I-get-upset-with-you-for-no-good-reason-so-I-have-to-work-it-out. I want love to be a feeling that I have all the time. The "I can't wait to be with you again" sort of feeling or that uncontrollable smile that you can't help but get when things are going really well.

All the times that someone told me that those feelings are "lust" or being "in like" or any other little Christian-y phrase - I didn't believe them. That seemed like love to me.

Now, I'm learning that love is a text after you wake up or a note with a verse during a tough week. Love is giving the other person space - occasionally - because work or life or tests or whatever are important. Love is volunteering to love high school students together, because sometimes no one else will fight for them. Love is a watching a terrible movie because you haven't read the reviews and don't know anything about it and still enjoying it because you're together (and because you're making fun of it). Love is making dinner and catching up on each other's day - even when nothing exciting was housed in it.

Love is saying and actually believing, "I love you" even when you're frustrated with the other person. Love is able to say, "I'm sorry - I was just so tired." Love is quick to apologize and quick to try to understand. Love is slow to assumptions and putting words into the other person's mouth.

This is my 100th post which hardly seems possible, but it does seem a bit fitting if you've been reading along with me from the beginning (which, I realize is probably just my mom). This blog began in my darkest place, far away from God, and heart-broken and today arrives here, closer to God in an everyday sort of way instead of a "just went to a conference" sort of way than, I think, I've ever been. And unbelievably blessed to be surrounded by friends and a fantastic man that I do, in fact, love.

He's the kind of man that is the first to jump up to take the challenge to "step across the line" to be a better man is presented at church. A man who loves high school students - not because they offer him anything, but because they are created by God and worthy of having someone who will stand and fight for them. He is loved by his family and looked up to by his friends. And he hates when I say all of these things even though they're true and there are so many other things that I admire about him that I'll leave out because he hates compliments.

I know. We are so cool.

I love you, Tuck. You make me want to be a better woman. A better follower of Jesus.
And I guess you're pretty funny sometimes too.