second place.

Clouds are rolling in. My bosses are gone from work. I'm showing semblance of being actually caught up for a second on my list of things to do. Mat Kearney is on my Spotify account and I have my silly hipster scarf on.

Time to blog.

I am competitive. At everything. I don't play checkers because it makes me angry when I lose. I don't play Monopoly because it takes too stinking long to win. I don't play BS or Uno because they both make me into a crazy competitive, semi-angry player.

What? I like to win. Don't you?

I don't like coming in second place. At anything. It's pretty much guided the pieces of who I am. I don't like trying new things because I'm not going to be good at them. I don't initiate conversations with my friends because "what if they don't want to talk to me because someone better is out there?" I don't admit when I like someone because it might not work out and then I have to admit that I am second place to whatever other girl took first.

The funny thing is, I actually find myself in second place a lot.

Working with middle schoolers who have little to no filter reminds me that I'm never going to be the pretty, popular cheerleader-type that is their favorite. And I wasn't even when I was in high school. I'm not the best at dancing. I'm really not the best at leading a small group. I'm not the "most fun car ride to the zoo EVER." And I don't have the best, funniest, most relatable stories.

In b-girl(thanks, Homestar Runner) relationships, I've always been the friend. "One of the Guys" is where I'm most comfortable. In high school, college, and even after, I always heard about the girls that my guy friends liked. Gave them advice on what a girl means when she says this... or that, and how to respond. But no matter how good of a friend I might be - I'm still second to the elusive "Johanna" - tall, blonde, swimmer - that every guy seems to die for... who won't even give him the time of day (Taylor Swift wrote a song about that...).

Most days I'm okay with that. But I'm having a hard time in my aloneness with feeling second-rate. Damaged goods. Some other cliche that means "not very good."

Insert some encouraging piece here. I'm sure there's a verse or a line in a song or something to tie a post like this up nicely if you can't handle things not being okay for a second.

At the end of the day, I still hate to lose. But I do. And I get over it.

Here's to second place. And the learning that comes out of it.