the axel.

I've been on figure skates for as long as I can remember. I started taking lessons when I was 8 with the goal of becoming the one, the only, Kristi Yamuguchi. (and later Michelle Kwan. She was Asian and had my name. It was like... fate!)

Last night I got to re-live a little of my childhood and skate. And impress the heck out of some 11-year old girls who had no idea that when I was their age, I was dreaming of being an Olympic figure skater.

A 4-year old girl was watching me spin and the look on her face told me that she thought that was the best thing anyone could ever do on figure skates. She doesn't know that I'm a quitter who wasn't committed enough or daring enough to really be anything great.

I was too scared of falling.

When I first started, I flew past all of the other kids. The moves were easy for me so while my friends faltered and fell, I was always the confident one who passed the tests with flying colors. Until the axel.

An axel is a jump that takes off on a forward outside edge (the only jump that begins forward). You to do a turn-and-a-half rotation in the air before landing backwards on your quarter-inch blade. It's the last single that you learn, and it's the jump that I could not master.

You have to get a certain amount of height if you hope to make the rotation necessary to land it and that height only comes when you put everything you have into it.
And that means you're really trying.
And you might fail.
So you might really fail.

It took me a couple of tries to master all the other jumps. The axel I worked on for almost an entire year and I only landed it shakily a handful of times. I didn't risk enough to actually do it.

I catch myself living life that way too.
And I don't want to live like that anymore.

After a lot of broken relationships - friends and boyfriends - it's scary to jump in and risk the most important thing I have - my heart. But I also don't think we were meant to do life alone. I realize, I'm getting to a point where I can't just be "half-committed" in my relationships.

It's a risk.
And it's terrifying.
But... finally... I really want to land it.