single.

I had an epiphany the other day. And it was a good one.

I'm single.
And I'm okay.

Holidays seem to bring out people who want to catch up who you haven't seen in forever so I've been answering the cautiously-asked "so... how are you doing?" question a lot lately. I try to give an honest answer because that's what I hope that people give me. After a decent amount of consideration, I realized, I'm good. Really.

I finally don't have all the hurt, ill-will and guilt weighing me down that I had this summer.

In fact, I feel free.

This is not to say that somehow I have conquered the desire to someday be married and have a family. Or that magically the feelings that I'm not good enough or pretty enough to ever catch someone's attention have disappeared. Or that I don't catch myself in feelings of jealousy (and subsequently inferiority) over stupid things - like when my friends meet handsome strangers on planes or when being blonde and mostly ditzy is more desirable than being Asian and actually knowing what you're talking about.

But it is that I've been on my own for 8 months.
...taking out the trash every Tuesday night
...emptying mouse traps when necessary
...changing my own windshield wipers
...figuring out how to fix my own wireless router issues
...moving furniture
...killing moths or whatever other bug decides that my house is its new home
...and opening my own jars (mostly)

This isn't the road I would have chosen to get here. Mostly I wish that I could have listened to God, guarded my heart and had "happily ever after." But I'm glad to know that I serve the kind of God who takes a mess and can still make a masterpiece.

Wow. Sorry. That last line is cheesy.