appropriately nostalgic.

I listened to a lot of sports talk today thanks to an excellent night of extra-innings-almost-playoff baseball. Today they wanted to make sure they took the time to "look back" instead of looking ahead (because that's tomorrow's show).

That and the significance of "the day" has me appropriately nostalgic. At least. I think it's appropriate.

This last year has had a lot of low points. What a depressing statement that is. As I look at my group of friends, I've clearly been "the needy one" for a while now.
I never thought I'd be that girl who tears up because of a random memory that has nothing to do with anything.
I never thought I'd have to kill moths and empty mouse traps on my own.
I never thought I'd avoid certain TV shows because they get in my head and make me think I'm going to get randomly kidnapped because of my distant connection to the Irish mob in New York City.
I never thought I'd wonder who to put in my ICE list in my phone that actually lives in my city.
I never thought I'd be alone again.

But. here I am.

It's also had a lot of high points.
I never thought I'd get to sit in a room with 12 other crying girls for 2 hours. And actually like it.
I never thought I'd find community - at least, not a community as good as this one.
I never thought I'd find someone going through the exact same situation - but there totally is.
I never thought I'd get flowers on a random Thursday because I have great friends.
I never thought I'd climb a mountain with a large group of people in the dark,
Go to Nebraska,
Watch so much pewee football,
Get lost in Brighton,
Run a half marathon in DC,
Go on culinary adventures,
Eat so much Little Man Ice Cream,
Visit Portland,
Wander downtown,
Go deep with good friends
Get 2 flat tires...
and really feel like I'm living life again.

But I'm here too. Here's to another year. So tomorrrow, like all baseball commentators, I'll look ahead. Bring on the post-season.

life goal.

To be on one of Mashable's picture lists for creative ways of using... stuff. Like the new Facebook timeline. Here's my chance:


It's not the most creative picture I've seen, but... it's the most creative one on my page. That's worth something, right?

angry.

Do you ever have those days when everything sets you off?

So far today things that have made me have to reign in my angry face -
- slow people in the left lane (okay, that one happens everyday)
- my gmail not going back to the page I wanted it to
- being told how to do something I've known how to do for years
- phone call from someone who talks entirely too much
- person backing out of a commitment made because of failure to check schedule

What the crap is wrong with me?

I do know what it is. Mostly instead of getting emotional - I get angry.
I'm sad? I get angry.
I'm hurt? I get angry.
I'm disappointed? I get angry.
I disappoint someone else? I get angry.
I feel guilty? I get angry.
I'm happy? I get... well. Happy. That's not a good example.

I realize more and more that I'm not even angry at the stuff that's happening around me. I'm mostly angry at myself. I'm angry that I don't make better choices. I'm angry that I am not a better, less jerky human being. I'm angry that I can't just make everything and everyone feel right and fine.

So I'm writing about being angry. Hoping it will make me feel better. Less angry. And more able to get on with my day.

*whew*

beautiful.

[hello seattle]

is anyone good at good-bye?

Mostly I consider myself a leaver. I'm not sure if subconsciously I can't stay in one place, but no one in my life for the past decade has known me beyond 4 years.

Now another set of good-byes. And it's going to be tough.

I've been with an incredible group of girls for the last 3 years. They've walked with me through love... heartbreak... difficult times... fun times... and even random trips to Wal-Mart. I've seen them grow from 3 tiny 6th grade pixies to a group of around 25 maturing women - learning who they are, what they want, and how to follow God for themselves.

They've changed friends. They've discovered boys. They've dated. They've gotten their hearts broken.

They've lived through stuff I never dreamed of at 14 - feeling ugly enough to be self-destructive, suicide, abuse from those who should be their protectors, the temptation of alcohol and drugs, wrestling with whether God is real or not, and peer pressure to try things I didn't even know existed at their age.

And here they are. Strong. Capable. Honest. and the most beautiful girls I've ever known.

It's been a privilege even to be a small part of their lives.

And saying goodbye is going to suck.

weeds

Let's get this out of the way. I know I live in Colorado, but this is NOT a post about THAT kind of weed. Okay. Moving on...

I spent this weekend pulling weeds. From everywhere. Giant ones. Sticky ones. Pokey ones. No matter how much weed paper, weed killer, or whatever else is supposed to get rid of weeds - still they grow. Everywhere. Even in the crappy brown stuff that I am not sure is even soil in my backyard. Weeds. Grow. All the time.

It made me realize... weeds are really the perfect example of life. During our small group with a random smattering of middle school girls, we talked about the importance of making good decisions. Constantly. It's not like you can just make one good decision one day and it lasts you the rest of your life. Every day... every hour... every minute, we must choose the right decision.

Just like you can't just pull weeds once, spray once or lay weed paper once. It takes work. And it's not easy.

If I'm being really honest... sometimes, I just want easy. The road less traveled by is that way for a reason.

But then again, I'm faced with the question: do I really want weeds?

waiting for the sun

Change. Seems like change just takes your world and turns it around, shakes it violently, then sets it back down crookedly.

The changes that I'm going through right now are necessary. And I do want them. But a piece of me wishes I could track back many months when things were sweet bliss and I didn't care or know anything could possibly go wrong with my pipe dreams.

I could come home to a man who loved me and ran to the door with a silly grin on his face, flapping his arms, glad to see me.
We'd play competitive trivia and bet over nothing because we shared everything.
I never went to sleep alone, but always had his arms around me... protecting me.

But that's just not reality.

Instead I've been moving from place to place to place. Couch to couch to couch. Bag to bag. I've slept alone for months... though I've felt like I was sleeping alone for much longer than that.
I've cried more times than I care to count.
I thought my heart was going to break and throw itself out of my chest because it didn't want to live in that hellhole anymore.
And I'm not only unprotected... I've been afraid of the arms that were supposed to have been shelter.

I find myself longing for normal. Wishing things could be easy and I could just not care about thriving, but be content with just... living.

Ignorance is bliss.
but. I guess it's not really. Living in mediocrity isn't really living at all, is it?

It's been raining for the last two days. In the immortal words of Rob Bell... it always rains. I guess I'll hold on, with no umbrella, and wait for it to stop. Waiting for the sun.

Waiting for the rain to stop.
Destination: beautiful.
Seems that I'm still waiting for the sun.
[mae - sun]